Scream Queens Season Two Recap: Blood Drive

There are rumours swirling that Scream Queens won’t get picked up for a third season and honestly? I’m not surprised. The show is incredibly inconsistent, barely understands its own mythology and has lost whatever charm it may have had. We’ve still got great campy performances from actors like Jamie Lee Curtis and Emma Roberts, interesting bit players like John Stamos and Kirstie Alley and some real potential, but the show might be taking too long to really click. It’s not a perfect satire, it’s not a hilarious comedy, it’s just kind of… there. Anyway, here’s what happened in “Blood Drive.”

The hospital is apparently broke, thanks to all the patients being murdered I guess, so they decide to do a blood drive. Chanel is excited to show off her phlebotomy skills and doubly so when Nurse Hawful reveals there is a prize for the blood drive: a trip to Blood Island. Chanel wants to win and go on a romantic getaway with Dr. Holt, who does not think a place called “Blood Island” sounds really romantic. It’s not. Nurse Hawful is actually the sister of Chanel’s old maid she burnt to death in season one and is out for revenge. Blood Island is an awful and dangerous place where Chanel will surely be murdered, and the contest is rigged so that the Chanels will win and die together. Or so she thinks.

There’s another wrench in Chanel’s plan for a romantic getaway, however, aside from the whole Blood Island being a death trap. Dr. Holt wants her to get tested for STDs before they become intimate after Dean Munsch hinted that Chanel might not be the cleanest girl. The test results come back and Chanel has tested positive for literally every STD known to man, including a few made up ones like “vaginal Zika.” She’s convinced someone tampered with her test, but Dr. Holt wants to keep his distance regardless. Dean Munsch claims this means Chanel’s blood is tainted and ineligible for the blood drive, much to Nurse Hawful’s dismay.

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Still gunning to win the blood drive, Chanel is sucking Chanel #5 dry. Literally. She’s taking pint after pint of her blood until Chanel #5 has to get strapped to a hospital bed. Chanel sets her sights on Chanel #9, who is afraid of needles and refuses. Over at the hospital, Chanel #5 is having even more blood drawn by Zayday who is once again the only person interested in finding out who the Green Meanie is. Her complicated plan involves the blood drive: they get the blood of the mom somehow and then see her blood type, and then run it against all the staff at the hospital. Since babies inherit blood types from their parents, it could rule out suspects (like Os wouldn’t have an A parent).

Hester is still hanging around and is completely bored, so Dean Munsch has given her the patient of the week to diagnose. Why? I guess they still have to keep up this whole hospital subplot and Lea Michele needed something to do, so here we are. Serial killer Hester is given a nurse uniform and a patient and left to her own devices. The patient is a vampire, or so he claims. He loves the taste of blood, can’t go out in the sun and hates garlic. Hester quickly gets to work and diagnoses him with a disease that makes him light sensitive and adverse to garlic, but thinks the blood thing is all in his head. He needs aversion therapy, a.k.a Hester is going to force him to drink blood until he hates it.

Chanel #5 can only give up so much blood, so Chanel has to turn to other means: namely, robbing a nearby blood drive truck. She steals a purse full of blood and brings it back to the hospital only to find her stash is gone. She follows the trail and of course, it’s Hester. She’s using Chanel’s blood drive samples on her vampire patient. On the plus side, Hester reveals she tested the blood and it was all fine, proving Dean Munsch faked the STD test.

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Now Chanel’s got Dr. Holt back on her side and is only steps away from winning the contest. She convinces Chanel #9 to donate and straps her down to do it. Chanel’s actually a decent phlebotomist so #9 is pleased to get over her fear of needles. However, Chanel is still Chanel and wanders off during the procedure. The Green Meanie sees an opening and takes it, coming in to kill #9. Nurse Hawful joins him in the room and says she’ll work with him if he takes off his mask. He does, and it’s Dr. Cascade. Looks like Zayday was right about the baby being the killer… but considering this was exactly what happened last season, it’s not surprising. What is surprising is that he and Hawful agree to work together, and he leaves the Chanels to her.

Zayday and Chamberlain manage to get their hands on a sample from the mother and run it against the hospital staff. Chamberlain is exonerated, much to Zayday’s relief. I still don’t understand why Chamberlain’s character changed so much over the break? I feel like even if you marathoned all the episodes you might wonder if you missed something. Anyway, the blood matches Dr. Holt (thanks to Dr. Cascade switching things around) and they confront him as the killer… despite the fact that John Stamos clearly wasn’t born in the 1980s.

Chanel comes back to find #9 sliced and diced with enough blood splashed around the room to fill a few pints and have her win the competition. Unfortunately, the tickets aren’s first class and she refuses the prize. Nurse Hawful’s plan seems to have failed. Time for plan B: she dons her matching Green Meanie costume and joins Dr. Cascade, who teases there is still a third killer out there. (Of course there is).

So who’s the third killer? Could it just be Hester? Or will Grace make her way back into the plot somehow and exact revenge for every other character getting a hospital gig but her?

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