Scream Queens Season Two Finale Recap: Drain The Swamp

Scream Queens is officially over, possibly for good. There’s no word on a renewal, and it’s not exactly likely to happen thanks to low ratings and poor critical reviews, but a part of me will miss it anyway. Especially dear old Chad Radwell, may he RIP.

So here’s how we ended out season two:

Nurse Hawful is the only one still trying to kill the Chanels, which is a shame because she is incredibly bad at it. Her big plan is creating a machine that throws baseballs at Chanel? She accidentally hits Chanel #12 (or whatever, the one with the frozen face) and it doesn’t even kill her. Nurse Hawful is convinced the Chanels have a forcefield of narcissism and stupidity that protects them, but really she’s just not a talented murderer. Baseball machine is barely better than the fake trip to Blood Island. She manages to come up with one semi-solid plan: she’s going to drain the swamp (sigh) and use the fertilizer to make a bomb and blow up the hospital.

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Hester needs a new reason to be on the show this week. At first, she was there because she knew who the Green Meanie was, but that was dropped quickly. And then she was blackmailing the Chanels, and then she was a nurse, and now she’s in love with Dr. Holt and wants to rob Dean Munsch. Okay, sure. Now that everyone knows Dean Munsch is dying of kuru and only has a few weeks left to live, Hester thinks this is the perfect chance for Dr. Holt to marry her. He’ll become the sole heir to Dean Munsch’s fortune and then after she dies, he will run away with Hester to Blood Island and murder a bunch of people together until they’re old and grey. So romantic! Dr. Holt decides to go through with it and plans a romantic proposal in front of the whole hospital, including his girlfriend Chanel. Ice cold. They get married quickly in the hospital hallway, and everything’s going according to plan. Chanel #5 has to ruin it, naturally. Now that she’s an actually competent doctor she thinks Dean Munsch might not really have kuru, and can prove it with a risky brain surgery performed by Dr. Holt.

The brain surgery is deemed inconclusive, but Chanel #5 has a hunch. They put in some calls and find out Munsch never ate human brains, so she can’t have kuru. Apparently, she just has extreme dehydration from only drinking scotch her whole life. This throws a wrench in Dr. Holt’s plan, but not Nurse Hawful’s: she invites everyone to the basement for celebratory champagne, which is really just a ruse to kill them all. The Chanels need to die because they killed her sister, Dean Munsch needs to die for letting them get away with it, Dr. Cascade needs to die for being the other Green Meanie, and Dr. Holt is kind of just stuck in there with them. Hawful locks them all in a tank and gets ready to detonate her fertilizer bomb.

Zayday gets her triumphant return! She managed to convince Cassidy’s mom to let her out and visit the hospital and see that her son is a healer, not a killer, and the CURE Insitute is doing good things. Well, they arrived just in time to get thrown into the the tank with everyone else. Oh, and Cassidy’s mom gets shot and dies. Nurse Hawful goes to make her escape with the bomb counting down.

Denise Hemphill gets her triumphant return! Her cryogenic tank got unplugged and dethawed and is back, ready to catch up on everything she missed, like Hilary being president. Sigh. She dismantles the bomb, and they all head out to take down Nurse Hawful. She shoots blindly at the group, almost taking down Chanel #3, but Dr. Cascade jumps in front and takes the bullet for her. It was totally unnecessary, as pointed out by all the other characters, but Chanel #3 tells them to “Shh! This is his redemption.” Nurse Hawful falls into the quicksand that is now where the swamp would be and everyone votes to let her die there.

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So what happens to everyone now? Well, Hester snuck away and stole all of Dean Munsch’s money, and now lives on Blood Island with Dr. Holt where they hunt and kill tourists for sport. Chanel #5 and Zayday took over the hospital and successfully run it together. Dean Munsch moved to Aspen to teach older women how to have orgasms. Chanel took over Lovin the D (now Lovin the C, a pun that makes no sense) with Chanel #3 as her producer. And the Red Devil makes a small appearance at the end!

If there were a season three, I’d hope the Red Devil was long forgotten Grace out for revenge. As it stands, I expect this to a plot thread that never gets followed up on, and a show that never gets renewed. RIP Scream Queens.

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